The Chronicles of Fosix

Sabbatical

2006-10-28T20:53:00.000-05:00

Friends, Indians, Country(wo)men, I will be taking an indefinite "sabbatical" from Blogger. In fact, I’m already well into my sabbatical, since I haven't been blogging at all for the last month or two. I'm taking a break and am going to visit the rest of the internet before I come back ;-)

I'm already in touch with most of you on Orkut. For the rest, if you have a Orkut account, do let me know. Email me your Orkut-name at "fosix.m@gmail.com" and I'll add you as a friend. It would be great to keep in touch with you.

Farewell/Adieu/Sayonara/Auf Wiedersehen/Au Revoir !!

JonBenet or Raven Jeffries

2006-08-22T07:41:00.000-05:00

Sure, JonBenet is all over the news. But has anyone heard of Raven Jeffries ?

Raven Jeffries was seven year old girl who was murdered, her body burnt and then dumped in a field. Of course, it never made the news. Was it because she was not blonde and white ??? Or was it because she was just a poor inner-city kid ???

I remember last year or so, there was a standoff in California between the cops and a "deranged" man holding his baby daughter hostage. If I recall correctly, the SWAT team shot (and maybe killed) the baby by mistake. Of course, the story never made it past one day on the air. Did it have anything to do with the fact that the father and daughter were Hispanic ???

I am sick and tired of the news networks going crazy everytime some suburban pretty white blonde kid/girl/woman goes missing. Whatever happened to reporting stories that really matter ?? I guess its all about ratings these days.

But is it completely the fault of the networks ? Or are stupid dumb viewers also to blame for tuning in watching these stupid 24 hour reports on missing white females ?

Collateral Damage

2006-07-31T18:57:00.000-05:00

The only difference between "collateral damage" and "terrorism" seems to be the nationality of the person pushing the button.

It seems to be okay to kill people and blow up their homes as part of "collateral damage" just as long as it happens somewhere in the developing world or in a country which cannot fight back. I'd like to see the same thing happen in a so called "civilized" nation. I'd also like to see a Western city being told "...Get out now because we are going to blow up the city with tanks, helicopters and planes to flush out the terrorists. But don't worry, we'll pay you to fix it once we are done..."

The BBC published graphic photos of the bombing at Qana, including a picture of two dead children being carried away. This is the first time I've seen such kind of pictures being published. The pictures didn't exactly make it to the headline story, but its a start. Maybe if they keep publishing these kinds of photos (Lebanon as well as Iraq), people might start seeing some sense.

Tofu

2006-07-23T00:18:00.000-05:00

As much as I hate SUVs, there is this ad which really made me smile...

There's this guy at the supermarket checkout buying some Tofu... He looks at the guy behind him, whose groceries consists of a whole pile of ribs, steak, etc (packets of red meat)... He feels really embarassed at buying the Tofu... So he goes out and buys a Hummer... The ad finishes off with the statement "Restore Your Manhood"...

I know this ad wont be too well received by all the vegetarians out there... But thats probably why it made me smile....

Spring Cleaning

2006-06-04T17:46:00.000-05:00

Turned the TV off, got my lazy ass off the couch, and decided to do something I have been putting off for the last two (possibly more) years. I have this huge pile of envelopes (a lot of them unopened) sitting in the corner of my bedroom. This pile has grown from a small stack to a small hill over the years. Since all my bills are paid electronically, I don’t really bother with snail mail. Whatever snail mail I pick up from my mailbox once in two weeks get dumped on top of this hill.

Today is D-Day! I am going to tackle that hill with a vengeance. I shall not rest till I have demolished it!! Or will I? Well let’s see how far I get :-)

Speedy Gonzales

2006-04-23T20:35:00.000-05:00

So after 6 years of driving in this country, I finally get pulled over... Good looking female cop comes up and asks for my licence, registration and insurance...

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over ?
Me: ***Oh hell yeah, I do*** Not really officer
Cop: You made an illegal U turn. There were multiple signs saying "No Turns"
Me: ***Illegal ? Really ? We are supposed to obey those signs ? I thought those were driving suggestions*** I'm sorry officer, I did not see the signs. I was talking to my friends

Cop: Where are you coming from and where were you going?
Me: We just came out of that bar there. I am headed home, as soon as I drop my friends off
Cop: Oh, so you are the designated driver for your friends. Thats nice
Me: ***Designated what?? In case you hadn't noticed, we are desis. We always travel like illegal mexicans stuffed into the back of a pickup truck*** Yes officer. I am the designated driver for tonite

Cop: Hows your driving record?
Me: Its perfect. Actually, this is the first time I've been pulled over
Cop: First time? So you have a clean record. Thats nice
Me: ***Clean? Umm... Err... Actually, its because I can usually spot an unmarked cop car from half a mile away. And if my friends hadn't been talking to me, I might have seen you too*** Yes, m'aam, I have a clean record

Cop: I'm sorry, but for this particular offence, I must give you a ticket. But in light of our conversation and since you have been nice and polite, I'd be willing to put in a good word for you to the judge if you want to show up in court
Me: ***Couldn't you just give me your phone number instead? I wonder how "nice and polite" I would have been had it been a male cop?*** Thank you officer

I looked down at the ticket... Two points and 135 bucks... Damn !!

Terror in Mid Air ?

2006-04-05T22:32:00.000-05:00

LAX Control, this is Frontier Airlines Flight One-Six-Eight Heavy... We are declaring an emergency... We have lost cabin pressure... Requesting immediate landing clearance...

To all aircraft on landing approach, this is LAX Control... Maintain holding pattern, ten thousand feet... Flight One-Six-Eight, you are cleared for landing, runway Four-Niner...

Okay, so it wasnt really an emergency... The cabin failed to pressurize at 5,000 ft, not at 30,000 ft... So it turned out to be much less dramatic than I had hoped... The oxygen masks didnt even drop down... And the flight landed smoothly after circling LAX for two hours to burn off fuel...

Curse my karma... My life's so boring.... Nothing exciting ever happens...

Parlez Vous Anglais ?

2006-03-14T22:09:00.000-05:00

So I was reading Swathi's blog and she was mentioning how McDonalds looks so out of place in Europe. I totally agree with her. McDonalds sticks out like a sore thumb amongst all those quaint old buildings and streets. I totally hated it when I was there a couple of years back. At least I used to hate it. Until this one day...

I walked into this French restaurant on the outskirts of Paris (I think it was somewhere near La Defense). I was starving. I looked at the menu and (of course) everything was written in French. The cute waitress unfortunately shook her head at my "Parlez vous Anglais?" ("Do you speak English?") question. So I resigned myself to picking out a random item off the menu.

There was one item whose description included two words I recognized, "Boeuf" and something to the order of "Marinate" or "Spice". So I said to myself "What the heck, I'm fed up of eating spiceless French food for the last one month. Lets try out this marinated-beef thingy".

The cute waitress comes back after a while, puts down a plate in front of me, points to it and says "Magnifique ! Bon Appetit". I give her the standard "Merci Beaucoup" reply and look down at my plate. There were thin slices of completely raw beef "marinated" in olive oil and garnished with cilantro (or some green looking "stuff").

I looked up at her and said "Seriously, you have got to be kidding me. Did you just run out of gas or did the cook just forget to well.. um.. 'cook' it ?". She obviously didnt understand a word I said, gave me another cute smile, said "Bon Appetite", and walked off.

I wanted to order something else or walk away, but I didnt want to hurt her feelings. So I decided to at least give the dish a try. Contrary to what I had expected, it didnt taste that bad after all. Soon I was digging into it with a gusto.

Then suddenly it struck me. "Didnt they used to have the Mad Cow disease recently in UK/Europe ?? Don't they have the Foot & Mouth disease going on right now ??"

So I put down my fork, paid the bill, got up, and went across the street to the McDonalds where a nice picture menu was waiting for me.

Don Vito Fossolini

2006-02-23T09:55:00.000-05:00

Yes, that is really me.
Yes, that is a real cop car.
And yes, that is really me inside the cop car !!

To those two bloggers (who live in the south-west parts of two countries bordering the Atlantic ocean) who wanted to take out a 'supari' on me, take a good look at this picture. Maybe it is not I who should be worried about this whole 'supari' business (Or as my friend Luda would say - biznass). Unless you like to 'swim with the fishes', I suggest you think twice before taking a 'panga' with the Family :D

To the rest of the folks who visit my blog, in case you ever need a 'favor', don't hesistate to ask ;) Just remember that I did you a favor and one day I might come back and ask you to repay that favor :)

The Fosix Diet - Part Deux

2006-02-09T20:26:00.000-05:00

Kabuli Chana*, eat lots of it !! The more you eat, the more gas is generated. The more gas that is generated, the more lighter you become**. As simple as that !!

Now all I have to figure out is how much KC a person needs to eat to lose weight on the weighing scale. Damn, if only I were intelligent !! I could have worked out the physics/maths of this. Maybe some smart reader*** can help me figure this out ?

Sample Problem Statement: How many grams of KC will it take to reduce the weight of a 140 pound cylinder (of height 5'11" and circumference 31") by one pound ?

The person who comes up with the correct equation for this problem will be given one years supply of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Alternatively, Rajma**** could also be used in place of KC. Although extensive studies still need to be conducted to determine which one has more gas generating power.

* - Garbanzo beans (translation for any non-desi reader)
** - Assuming that you dont fart and waste it !!
*** - Now why would any smart person be reading my blog ??
**** - Kidney beans (one more translation for all you non-desis !!)

Whats My Age Again ?

2006-01-26T21:18:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks back I went to this party. I was the only unmarried person in the room full of about 50 people. Also I was one of the 5 people in the room who didnt have a baby/kids. And all these people were of my age group. It was a pretty uncomfortable evening.
So I started thinking that maybe, just maybe, it is high time to grow up and act my age. Maybe its high time I stop playing practical jokes. Maybe its high time to stop being so immature and act responsible instead. Then today I heard (after a long time) the theme song of my life, Blink 182's "Whats My Age Again ?". So I guess I'll put off the maturity plans to maybe next year or later.
I have my annual review (at work) coming up soon. In my last three consecutive reviews I've been 'politely' told (by three different bosses !!) to stop making fun of my colleagues and also to clean up my cube and make it look more professional. Lets see what they come up with this year.

Thank You Dave

2006-01-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

Agony

On a dark MidWest highway, cool wind in my hair...
Musty smell of my unvacuumed car, rising up through the air...
My stomach growled loudly and my resolve grew dim...
I had to stop for a bite...

Ecstasy

The cup of chilli is lovely, dark and deep...
But I have my spicy chicken to first eat...
And miles to drive before I sleep...
And miles to drive before I sleep...

Thank You Dave Thomas, Thank You !

PS: Apologies to The Eagles and Robert Frost

The Fosix Diet

2005-12-11T23:47:00.000-05:00

Move over 'South Beach'... Here comes The Fosix Diet © ® !!

This radically new diet is the by-product of exhaustive scientific research studies conducted at Fosix Laboratories over a period of time... The best part about the diet is that the dietER/dietESS (dietEE ??) can eat anything he/she wants...

The diet plan works as follows:

The benchmark weight is to be taken just after a heavy dinner... DietEEs are encouraged to eat like pigs during this heavy dinner...

The next weight should be taken the next morning before breakfast just after a big dump...

Repeat Step 2 daily comparing result with benchmark weight taken in Step 1

Fosix Laboratories guarantees that a minimum of 0.5 to 1.0 pounds can be lost at Step 2 of the diet...

Disclaimer: The Fosix Diet is not recommended for people suffering from constipation...

Of Vegetables And Vegetarians

2005-11-23T21:03:00.000-05:00

The other day at work, they organized a pizza lunch for everyone... At lunch time, everybody trooped into the kitchen to pick up some pizza... Just as I entered the kitchen I realized that I had left my phone at a friend's desk... So I turned around to go back and get it... As I was leaving the kitchen this white lady looks at me and says "What happened ? Didn't they order any vegetarian pizza ?"

I was so fri**ing pissed at her... llike, what the **** ! Just because I'm brown, does that mean I'm supposed to be a fri**ing vegetarian ?? I have never been so insulted in my life...

Here is my take on vegetarianism...

I am a hard core carnivore !! I absolutely detest vegetables of all shapes, sorts, and sizes !!

I firmly believe in the food chain... Plants feed on nutrients in the ground.... Animals and birds feed on plants... And humans feed on animals and birds... If I start eating vegetables, wouldn't that be breaking the food chain that God himself/herself designed ? Who am I to mess with his/her will ?

I believe that if everybody on this planet were vegetarians, then wouldn't we all be depriving animals and birds of their food ? Since they can't possibly compete with humans for the same food, they would probably all starve to death... Oh, those poor things.... I shudder to think of that... Sigh... ;)

Of course, its not like I don't use vegetables at all in my cooking... Vegetables have very good decorative value... Bell peppers, spinach, tomatoes, etc, all make my food really colorful and hence more appetizing... :D

Also, I just hate those "eggetarians"... They are nothing but hypocritical fri**ing abortionists !! Why can't they just let that poor little egg develop into a chicken, live its life to fulfillment and then serve a more noble cause (my dinner:)) in its death ?

Now here's the downside to it all... The other day I went to get a medical checkup... Got the result back... My good cholestrol is practically non-existent and my bad cholestrol number is through the roof... The doc scolded (yes, literally scolded) me about my diet and told me to quit red meat for a while... :((
As they say (And I quote my favourite hindi line)... "Jab Naseeb Aay Gandu, Tab Kya Karega Bechara Pandu"...

Time For Unisex Locker Rooms?

2005-11-05T19:23:00.000-05:00

Sometime back I went to the gym as part of my annual workout (I have a small checklist of things to do for the year... "Visiting" the gym is one of them)... While I was changing, I noticed some guy trying to check me out...
Its not like I have anything against gay people, but it did make me think about the gross discrimination against straight people... Why do straight people have to use separate locker rooms while gays & lesbains walk around happily in the midst of half-clad people ?? Its just not fair to straight people...
So either we have four separate types of lockers rooms or we have just one unisex one... I propose the latter...

Cell Phone Radiation

2005-10-26T19:30:00.000-05:00

I keep reading all these reports about the possible link between cell phones and brain cancer... It's kind of scary... But what I am more worried about is the fact that I always carry around my cell phone in the front pocket of my pants... Does this mean that I could get cancer in the *ahem* you-know-where ?? Do I need to start wearing lead covered boxers or something ??

Coffee Break(s) At Work

2005-10-17T20:01:00.000-05:00

In response to my friend's ode to coffee ...

I drink coffee no less than five times a day at work... Of course, being a cheap desi, I drink the free coffee from the pot in the kitchen which doesnt seem to have any flavour... I have not yet ventured into the snobbish world of coffee connoisseurs who take their 25 cent flavoured coffee from the coffee machine... This being for the simple reason (besides being a cheap desi) that I need those damn quarters to do my fri**ing laundry !! No way in hell, i'm gonna waste those quarters on some damn bitter tasteless drink... Anyone who has lived in an apartment can empathize with me on this one..

Most people I know drink their coffee black... Not me... I need that sugar... Oh yeah... At least three-four spoonfuls of it... Sometimes more... Between me and my friend (who has still not grasped the fact that you put creamer into coffee and not vice-versa) we ensure that the the person who is responsible for re-stocking up the kitchen supplies has plenty of work to do...

By now any semi-intelligent person (the intelligent ones would have stopped reading by the second or third sentence) would be wondering as to why I make so many trips to the kitchen to drink so many cups a day ? Well, the reason is manifold (is 'manifold' a word?)

Firstly... For how long can one check personal mail, read the online news, surf the web ? Max I would say is an hour at a strech... Then you need to take a break, go away from your computer and rest your eyes before another session (doing exactly the same thing)...
At my place of work, the only place away from my computer where me and my good-for-nothing cronies can safely congregate without fear of persecution is the kitchen... There are eight hours in a workday... You do the math and figure out just how many times I visit the kitchen...

Secondly... Being away from my desk has the advantage of the fact that everyone assumes that you are in important meetings all day long... Of course, I dont mind going into important meetings all day long, but then people ask you questions (which I dont mind) and then expect serious and intelligent replies from you (neither of which I am even remotely capable of)... So I prefer going to the kitchen instead...

Thridly.... Being away from my desk has the added advantage of the fact that whenever the boss comes around with some critical work which needs urgent attention, I am not there... So he promptly assigns the task to another 'bakra' (victim) in the team who is blisfully unaware of my diabolic scheme...
Of late, my boss seems to have wizened up to the fact that I am not in any meetings but goofing off in the kitchen... So once in a while, he comes around to the kitchen to find me...

Fourthly.... I cause a lot of disturbance to the hard working people around me by talking and laughing loudly... For some strange reason, people with no work to do (and also people on a break) tend to stop by cube for a "short" chat.... I really can't figure it out... There are so many cubes around me... Why do they come to mine ?
Anyway, the point being that the noise I make only disturbs the people in the cubes around me... Its just not fair to the rest of the company... Everyone deserves an equal share... So, as a proponent of equal and affirmative action (I have no clue what that means.. Just threw that in there to look intelligent), I walk to the kitchen talking and laughing loudly along the way (with my cronies), making sure we disturb everybody between my cube and the kicthen...

Fifthly..... My good cholestrol count is 28... My doctor said that I have a good chance of dying of a heart attack and that I really needed to exercise... I told her that I get plenty of exercise watching TV by twiddling my tumb non-stop over the remote control... But she insisted that I had to get up and move around... She said that I needed to walk or run at least two miles a day... So between seven-eight trips to the kitchen I guess I have that covered... Hey, I'm just following the good doc's orders....

Foreword

2005-10-16T14:06:00.000-05:00

Statutory Warning: Immature Content
This blog is meant for intelluctually challenged people like me. I have created it to document the trials and tribulations of my traumatized past and present (and future?). Please do not continue reading if you

Do not have a sense of humor ( If you did not find movies like Austin Powers, Hot Shots, etc, funny, then you definitely do not have the qualifications needed to read this blog) or
Are above the mental age of 18 ( If you have been deemed an adult by society due to your physical age but dont watch cartoons, play practical jokes or have never been told to act your age, then you do not meet the criteria for this blog ) or
Have something better to do in life ( The very fact that you are here reading this means that you really have nothing better to do )

You have been warned !